Harvard Study

CAMBRIDGE, MA–According to a recent study conducted by the Meteorological Research Team at Harvard University, rain is not actually the tears of the Almighty Being, God.

“We were very shocked by the results,” proclaimed Dr. Samuel Rutherford, chairman of the Earth and Planetary Sciences Department at Harvard. “But we accept the facts nonetheless; years of intense research went into this monumental realization.”

The research team used a complex rain gathering technique called “bucketing,” in which buckets were placed atop various on-campus buildings.

“Rain was systematically gathered over a three year period of time,” explained Rutherford. “And it was compared with verified tears from lab rats, whose tears were induced by forced visuals of other rats being run over by subway trains.”

“The evidence, at first, was inconclusive,” admits Michael Jones, an undergraduate intern working on the project. “At first we were sure the rain was a match with our rat tears, but it was discovered midway through the project that Dr. Rutherford unintentionally contaminated the results by crying while reviewing them. He was upset about how little funding his project was receiving.”

The research team is already in the planning stage of their next project: figuring out if horseradish sauce is really just spoiled mayonnaise.