noise canceling headphones

In the aftermath of a shooting spree yesterday in which six people were brutally murdered on a public street, many bystanders who witnessed the event are claiming their noise canceling headphones failed to drown out the even the smallest shrill cry for mercy.

“I’m truly pissed off,” admits Shawn Richards, owner of a brand new pair of Monster Beats headphones. “I dropped $350 on those—all for what?! For my Jay-Z and Lil Wayne mashup to be interrupted by some pussies screaming for their life?”

“Thanks a lot Bose,” said Jessica Schwartz, who was at a Starbucks just a block away from the shooting. “Waiting in line for coffee is stressful enough. Now I need to hear yelling also?”

Bose and Monster—the headphone companies receiving the recent complaints by consumers—have responded to the incident.

“We apologize,” reads a PR report on Bose’s website. “Recently Bose has failed to provide customers with the %100 level of noise cancellation that we guarantee. Victims of unsatisfactory levels of noise cancellation during shooting sprees can email our support team with their claim and receive a refund. Updated technology on our upcoming models will ensure a tragedy like this never occurs again.”

Monster, famous for their Dr. Dre inspired “Beats” product line, also acknowledged the incident. But instead of issuing a statement, the company promised to include a handgun with every future purchase of Beats “in order to help silence the noise-makers.”