ARLINGTON, TX- For the fourth straight Texas Rangers’ home game, a triple-digit number of fans have been killed by Major League Baseball’s most recent innovation to the game: the ‘spikeball’.
While the deadly, spike-covered ball is currently in its testing phase, and is thus showcased exclusively at Texas Rangers home games, MLB is confident that the spikeball will be rolled out to all the league’s teams by the end of the season.
“The concept for the spikeball first came to me while watching a baseball game in which fans fought over a homerun ball in the bleachers at Yankee Stadium,” explained Saul Gruber, CEO of Rawlings, the company that manufactures baseballs for MLB. “I thought: how much more awesome and entertaining would it be for both viewers and fans if people’s lives were actually at stake? It would be like turning every foul ball or homerun into a video game in which fans would have one life to fight for the coveted, serrated spikeball.”
When MLB Commissioner Bud Selig heard about the idea, he immediately arranged for a meeting with Gruber to get the project underway.
“As the premier baseball league in the world, and possibly the universe, us at MLB have an obligation to our fans to keep the game fresh and exciting,” said Selig. “And what better way to do that than to raise fan participation to a whole new, life-threatening level? As for legal issues, the risks of attending an MLB game are clearly outlined in size .5 font on the back of every ticket.”
While the gross number of living fans attending games has plummeted, television ratings and profits have soared. Nielson ratings indicate that, for the first time, viewers prefer Rangers games to the Saw horror film series.
Assuming the league’s transition to spikeballs remains successful, MLB is prepared to purchase its new league acronym, MLS (Major League Spikeball), for the reasonable $10 price tag that Major League Soccer is requesting.