Moments after a particularly long Internet browsing session, area man Tom Porter decided that he might as well spend the thirty seconds it takes to clear his Google Chrome browsing history.
“Just in case, you know? Can’t be too careful these days,” said Porter, a recent college graduate who usually has at least five tabs open at any given time. “Sometimes I stumble upon a website or Chatroulette conversation that I’m not too proud of. Accidentally of course.”
“I wonder if I should also delete cookies?” said Porter, who has no idea what that means. “Fuck it. Cookies can’t be bad. They’re delicious.”
Porter first learned of the dangers of not deleting browsing history two weeks ago when he let his girlfriend check her email on his laptop. She started to type the g in “gmail.com” in the address bar and was greeted by a drop down list containing a slew of off-color recent searches including gzoo.org, a self-described “hardcore animal porn hub,” and a google search for “gonorrhea symptoms.”
“That was actually a huge misunderstanding,” claimed Porter, who keeps three boxes of tissues, a stuffed bear, and a bottle of antibiotics conveniently by his desk. “I clicked on this popup ad thinking it was for the Central Park Zoo, which I’ve been dying to go to. And the same day my friend also thought he had gonorrhea, so I just wanted to make sure he was fine.”
As the Internet is growing stranger and more perverse by the minute, Porter plans to delete his browsing history at least once a week just to be on the safe side.
“One minute I’m on Wikipedia doing serious research,” said Porter. “And the next minute I’m somehow watching a video of a dude doing lines of coke off a midget’s boner. Don’t ask me how.”