by guest columnist Willard Willington


That’s my car. It’s a Ferrari. You can’t tell, though, because of all that goddamn money-sucking snow.

NORTHEAST—A blizzard ravaged Northeast USA this weekend, dumping meters of snow on millions of people. But the people are not what we should care about. With a storm this big, the only things that matters are the financial implications.

Below are the five biggest ‘losers’ of the storm:

1) The Snow Cone Industry took one of the biggest hits over the weekend. Record snowfall meant a record number of amateurs suddenly able to create their own disfigured snow cones instead of just buying them in stores like civilized consumers.

2) Fake Snow Industry – Over the weekend, those in the Northeast found little reason to make their own snow out of synthetic materials such as styrofoam and ice. Instead, desperate Northeastern humans resorted to using ‘real’ snow for their demonstrations and films. It’s disgusting and needs to stop now.

3) Homeless Shelterwere packed this weekend with people who had either failed to have proper foresight on the housing market, or who had the bright idea of wearing bread bags to a job interview. But enough about the people. These unfortunate shelters were caught off guard by the blizzard and suffered huge blows to their bankrolls. Campbell’s soup and stale bread don’t grow on trees.

4) Stray Cats – Believe it or not, the market for stray cats had grown tremendously over the past decade. Now there are none. They all died in the storm. Stop crying and move on.

5) Street Performing – A lack of street visibility made it physically impossible for this tax-evading industry to see any profits. As a result, Nordic snow performers saw a rare spike in coins tossed into open luge cases. But the market proved transient, as almost all of the snow has since melted or been used to make shitty snow cones.

About the columnist: Willard Willington, a former Wall Street exec, is now an entrepreneur and CEO of seven companies—all of which he started last week with venture capitalist money he found in a briefcase in a Lower Manhattan nightclub.