Following Kobe Bryant’s season-ending Achilles injury, Nike has scrambled to convince Lakers fans that everything will be okay and that the LA superstar’s injury is just a part of the KobeSystem.

“A lot of basketball fans are freaking out right now,” said Brad Peterson of Wieden+Kennedy, the advertising agency in charge of Kobe Bryant’s ‘KobeSystem’ Nike endorsement. “Kobe is arguably the best player in the game today. And his absence is felt by not only the Lakers organization, but by all apparel-purchasing fans of the NBA.”

“I would just like to reassure everybody that there’s no reason for this injury to dissuade people from purchasing overpriced Kobe shoes or other Kobe-related Nike merchandise,” continued Peterson. ”This is because Kobe’s injury, while painful, was purposely inflicted in accordance with level 8 of the #KobeSystem.”

The KobeSystem, an ad campaign created last year by Wieden+Kennedy, is designed to encourage consumers to strive for the unmatched success levels–and basketball sneakers–of Kobe Bryant. Currently made up of seven levels including “Explosion” (lvl. 4), “Domination” (lvl. 5), and “Beastion” (lvl.6), KobeSystem should have its 8th level, “Injury,” rolled out any day now.


“You can’t achieve success without failure,” said Mark Parker, CEO of Nike. “And this is a brand message that we are intent on communicating.”

“The KobeSystem is about recovery, introspection, and being reborn as a more powerful creature than ever before,” added Parker, in terms so beautifully vague that he convinced even himself to believe the bullshit spewing from his mouth.

Bryant was not available for comment, but he did recently tweet:

Update: Mamba out for season…no worries, though. Will be working on my mental toughness. All part of the #KobeSystem P.S. Buy shoes here–>”