PrimateAirHarness

On 60 Minutes this weekend, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos revealed his company’s latest shipping innovation, Primate Air. The service, which could roll out by 2015, uses specialized drones to deliver monkeys and other small primates to your doorstep in 30 minutes or less.

“Safety is obviously our first concern,” said Bezos. “We are looking to comply with FAA regulations and ensure that all aircrafts are designed according to commercial primate transportation standards. This would include multiple redundancies to combat primate theft, as well as an in-flight meal of one banana.”

Despite some public speculation regarding the feasibility of shipping live animals via barbecue grill-shaped drone, Amazon’s announcement has been met with widespread excitement.

“It’s aways been such a hassle to order primates online,” said Nebraska resident Carley Pickler, who owns three rhesus monkeys and one golden-bellied mangabey. “I can’t wait to use Primate Air to get the primates I want, when I want them.”

“And best of all, Amazon offers free insurance on all Primate Air orders, so I no longer need to worry about the possibility of my primate getting lost or damaged,” added Pickler.

Amazon has admitted it will have some considerable challenges to overcome with implementing Primate Air, such as how drones will pinpoint addresses in cities packed with hundreds of thousands of primate enthusiasts, or what to do if a primate rubs feces on its tracking label, or how to package a primate if it’s ordered as a gift for a different Primate Air user.

“Sure, there are some big questions,” said Bezos. “But this isn’t science fiction. This type of convenience is where our planet is headed. And here at Amazon, we plan to bring to life that once-elusive dream of 30-minute shipping on all your favorite primates and primate accessories.”