GAZA CITY — In what is being called the most controversial move of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, the Israeli Defense Force has reportedly targeted and destroyed Gaza’s only hummus pipeline.
The chickpea-based paste is the leading source of protein for both Israeli and Palestinian civilians according to the World Health Organization. Experts say a lack of steadily-flowing hummus to Gaza could lead to rampant malnutrition, especially amongst women and children.
“Israelis should be ashamed of their country’s actions,” said UN Commissioner for Human Rights, Navi Pillay. “It’s one thing to target civilian-free tunnels containing terrorist missiles, but blowing up that pipeline was an inhumane act of brutality. Where will innocent Gaza civilians get their delicious hummus now?”
“More importantly, it’s just not right for Israel to bring women and children into this,” added Pillay. “Those adorable Palestinian children and their equally sympathetic looking mothers have nothing to do with the extremists who use hummus to help mix C-4 plastic explosives or pelt Israeli soldiers with crispy falafel balls.”
Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu admitted that while he isn’t thrilled with the prospect of denying any innocent civilian their fair share of hummus, he stated that the terrorists should have thought twice before building the pipeline right beneath the foundations of a children’s hospital.
“I mean, did they really give us a choice?” said Netanyahu.”We flew over the area and scattered numerous warning messages on the backsides of pita bread, but ultimately the terrorists forced dozens of their own people to be used as hummus shields.”
As fighting in Gaza comes to a brief cease-fire, an IDF spokesperson said they hope the Israeli military will not have to be faced with another ethical dilemma of the same magnitude.
“My main worry is the ship that is currently headed to the Gaza coast,” said the spokesperson. “Humanitarians onboard the ship insist that it’s full of ‘aid,’ but Israeli intelligence shows that it’s carrying over 2,000 pounds of whatever it is tahini is made out of.”