Every man, no matter how relentless, can use a tip or two when it comes to fantasy football. Here are six easy things you can do from home to dominate your fantasy league and your marriage:
1. Show Up to Your Draft and Execute Your Plan
Draft with conviction by taking no more than one to one-and-a-half seconds to submit each of your picks. You’re the king of the castle. Don’t let anyone tell you what to do.
2. Create a Watch List
Take your managerial powers to the next level and make a secret list of more players you’re keeping your eye on. You are the all-knowing dictator. You are in control.
3. Coerce Another Team Into Trading with You
This is a game of power, and you plan to exercise yours–especially because the other managers are not on your level and cannot understand what this is all about. Invite one of them over for a beer, grab them by the underarms when they least expect it, and negotiate a trade that renders their team obsolete. You have the hottest wife out of everyone in the league, don’t you?
4. Start the Players You Want to Start
Fantasy football is no place for weaklings. If you want to dominate your league and your marriage, you need to flex your muscles and show the world who’s boss by taking four hours a day to drag and drop your players in order to create an optimal lineup by the week’s end. Your time is too valuable to waste it on petty chores or listening to Melissa yap on and on about her day.
5. Plan Ahead For Your Bye Weeks
Your preeminence takes no days off, but apparently your ungrateful players are taking midseason vacations. Power though this bullshit by locking yourself in the garage with your laptop for nine whole days. You are a stone cold problem solver.
6. Rule Over the Playoffs
It’s crunch time and it’s looking grim. Your subjects have forsaken you and your wife will not stop nagging you and banging on the garage door. You know what you need to do. You need to prevail in your consolation bracket. You are the puppet master. Go out like the wrangler you are. Buy a gun, put the kids in the car while your wife is still asleep, and move to Arizona where no one will hold you back.