For the 81st consecutive year since the company’s inception in 1933, Windex has once again dropped the ball on commissioning any sort of holiday-related window-cleaning advertisements this winter season.
“I’m ashamed to admit it,” said Tim Fein, Windex’s VP of Marketing. “It feels like every year the holidays come and go, and every year we find ourselves scratching our heads wondering what the fuck just happened.”
Historically, the Christmas season is an exciting time for marketers to integrate things like Santa Claus or candy canes into their advertising. Other house-cleaning products such as OxiClean and Bounty consistently release festive ads during the holidays, but this year Windex has missed the boat once again.
“It’s bizarre, really,” said Windex’s CEO Arthur Timmons. “We have such a large staff of people, both on the corporate and regional sales levels, and yet somehow nobody ever brought up the idea of a holiday-themed ad.”
“I mean, we had a meeting last quarter specifically to discuss upcoming marketing strategies for the winter, but the only idea pitched was the same old junk about a caucasian woman spraying Windex on a window, wiping that window, and then smiling at the results,” added Timmons.
“Seriously, this was supposed to be the year where we stepped into the online marketing space with some innovative topical shit,” said Fein. “This past summer I came up with this whole thing about a young ethnically ambiguous crippled boy who is building a snowman while playing outside with his favorite Windex bottle. He would longingly gaze over at some smut on his neighbor’s window across the street. Sitting on his chair, his legs useless, he’d give the bottle a good ole spray from afar. Then, when you least expect it, a miraculous gust of wind would carry the spray all the way to the neighbor’s window, cleaning the smut and saving Christmas.”
“Really not sure what happened with that one,” added Fein. “We finally had our chance to establish Windex as a global brand, and we blew it.”
Despite the company’s continued marketing setbacks, CEO Timmons is pushing for his team to crank out something patriotic in time for President’s Weekend.
“You’ve only got such a big window before people balk at Windex as a legitimate holiday product,” said Timmons. “We need to get our shit together soon or we will find ourselves yet again at the losing end of the holiday shelf wars.”