USA–In the absence of the cold weather and low sunlight levels of the winter season, ordinary Americans everywhere are reportedly in a mad scramble to find something new to blame for their constant year-round melancholic state of existence.

“In the winter I can just chalk up my general shit disposition to ‘Seasonal Affective Disorder’ or whatever the fuck it’s called,” said New York City resident Stan Roper. “But now that the weather is warming up and people keep talking about how sunny and nice it is outside, it’s going to be tough to keep going under the radar acting like a total fucking miserable douchebag every single day.”

“It’ll be summer before we know it, for fuck’s sake. I have to come up with something fast if I don’t want people to judge me for spending my days lurking in a torturous bubble of self-pity and shame,” added Roper. “Maybe I can convince my therapist to diagnose me something chronic this year. Like OCD. Or a personality disorder…Yeah, that’ll keep my fucking boss quiet the next time he thinks about grilling me on why I’m 45 minutes late to work, have two black eyes, and day-old Chipotle guacamole crusting on the sides of my lips and forehead–as is my average appearance during all hours of winter.”

At press time, the weather is fortunately still just cold enough to comfortably bundle up your contempt for all living things with a light jacket.