United Lethal Injection

In a statement released Tuesday, United Airlines announced that they will be expanding their slew of in-flight entertainment & dining options to include physician-assisted suicide.

“We’re always looking out for our passengers’ needs and desire for convenience,” a United spokeswoman said. “Sometimes, flight conditions or mistreatment by our staff cause United passengers to want to put an end to it all and take their own lives. On behalf of the entire airline, I am thrilled to announce that we will be making euthanasia a reality on all medium to long-range domestic flights beginning July 2017.”

United will be staffing all eligible flights with board-certified physicians trained in euthanasia, to be delivered swiftly and painlessly in the aircraft’s galley via lethal injection. Customers with MileagePlus Platinum status or higher will receive this benefit as a complimentary service.

Coach passengers will have to purchase suicide options à la carte from the service trolley, in the form of hot euthanasia boxes. The base-level box contains one sterile razor blade, 300mg of crushed sodium cyanide, and a single-serving Sabra Roasted Pine Nut Hummus Cup.

“It’s ridiculous that passengers who decide that they just want to be dead already onboard one of our aircrafts have to suffer through an entire United flight alive,” United CEO Oscar Munoz related. “Well, we’ve heard your feedback and think you’re going to be really pleased with what our team is putting together. I plan to try it myself on an upcoming test flight.”

To maintain safety onboard United flights, the FAA has established clear guidelines that permit mid-flight euthanasia only at safe cruising altitudes of 30,000 feet or higher, and when the seatbelt sign has been turned off. Under no circumstances can euthanasia be carried out during take-off, landing, or periods of turbulence.

Munoz added, “Objects tend to shift in the overhead bins during parts of the flight. The last thing we want is a passenger getting injured while attempting to kill themselves.”